Is it Wise to Rush into a Relationship?
How a common consensus in society would advise caution although, is that caution mediating fear and and leading to a FOMO of choice?
This is an age-old question we may ask family, friends and people we seek advice from. Not only adolescence when our hormones drive us to impulsive decisions,but also at more “mature” stages in our lives where we may find ourselves getting caught — When we think we know the ways of the world, only to get knocked out by the love bug and find ourselves reverting back to a YOLO mentality and jumping into the unknown.
Why do we ask this question? Often, we present this rhetorically, as we know that we are already rushing into the arms of someone we know is “no good”. However, there is no greater sense of feeling alive. Letting our hearts take the steering wheel for once, as our minds are tired circumnavigating in an ever growing rational and cynical world. Love is a magic that is unexplainable, a world where we will never be able to articulate, only to feel and thank god for that, that we can enjoy the wonders of this metaphysical abstract word which we are all secretly obsessed with.
Ofcourse, caution is key. Matters of the heart can be just as destructive as it can be creative. However, are we conditioned into being alone, believing that multiple partners will bring us overall satisfaction and is the idea of a life partner, a soul mate or even the conventional tropes of marriage out of fashion in modern-western society?
Till Death Do Us Part
The world has changed since our grandparents’ generation. If you are of a certain age your grandparents were likely to have known each other from a young age and married before they were twenty five. A situation that could definitely be considered in today’s context a careless decision. This is seen as Generation Z are likely to follow Millennials in having more children in their 30s , so as to prioritise careers and provide financial security for their children.
Or it could simply be an anarchy of choice. I myself being the age of 38 and childless, with a wealth of failed relationships but relished moments. I myself commented to my first love that I loved her, but I wouldn’t marry her due to an “Eat Pray Love” syndrome of exploring the world, myself and others before I committed myself to the shackles of marriage. Now, time has passed before I had time to look and will I later regret that I did not commit to somebody, or rush into marriage. After all, in my mind, isolation and loneliness is the cruellest punishment given to a human being, with it often being self-inflicted.
A Portuguese ex partner also commented that her mother and father had only ever known one another physically and nobody else. She felt sorry for her mother and implied that she was naive due to her inexperience. However, I was envious of both of them. They were “salt of the earth” people, who would have their difficulties, like any other. However, I would still notice their glancing looks at each other. Something pure in its moments and shining a beauty on traditional values. They rushed into love, had two beautiful children and now accompany each other into old age, with a profound sense of understanding of one another. I once was talking to them about the notion of love and commitment to which they said:
“We’ve never considered divorce. Murder sometimes but never divorce.”
I found it sweet and highlighting a deep dedication of one another, rather than focusing on a sinister implication.
Attention to Someone Can Create Happiness
Being a “forever young” millennial, my greatest treasure over the past few years, has been rushing into a relationship. Albeit not being with a human. That of my gorgeous dog — Maxi Castanha Pistola Brownie.
I found him under a car, abandoned and traumatised during the cruel and testing time of the lockdowns of Covid. The privilege to look after a living being and provide love has been one of my greatest joys. When adopting him people would warn me about the commitment it would entail (like it was some great feat and that I had the rest of my life ahead of me — I’m middle-aged!) Yes, there have been growing pains and cleaning up mess at five in the morning, realising I will never get my deposit back. However, he has saved me from growing bored of always thinking about myself. I feel content in being his owner, not willing to regret my rash decision as it would only bring immature thoughts of what if.
I am not an expert in commitment. Far from it. I could only ever imagine my small efforts and strains with my K9 best friend would be multiplied infinitely in comparison to that of a parent. Although, I have always admired parenthood, the toughest job in the world yet I could only imagine the most rewarding.
I once asked my mother what love is. She is the Yoda of my world, and an expert in altruism and love. In her infinite and always playful wisdom she replied that it was attention. Pondering on it, I realised that yet again she is always right. If you love someone it is how much attention you give them. Love music? Well how much attention, dedication and commitment do you give it? The abstract notions or people we pursue in this life, comes with our focus and dedication to that road and often we reach cliffs where we cannot rationalise or articulate but only jump into the unknown with a whim and a prayer.
The FOMO of Choice
In some case studies Generation Z are reported as being the most depressed generation. With just 45% stating that their mental health is very good or excellent.
Of course, mental health has lost a lot of its stigmas and people feel more comfortable expressing it nowadays. However, anxiety seems to be the number one issue concerning mental health.
A lot of causes of this mental pandemic often stem from technology. Anxiety and choice are interwoven and everyday we face a million small decisions to make on our smartphone. From whom to follow, communicate with. To what app we should use for our productivity, to where to keep our money and to whom we should date. If you can choose anything often it leads you to choosing nothing.
“Indecision is the seedling of fear” — Napoleon Hill
In the age of information it is clear that our decision making has become less effective and efficient. We only need to look at all our unanswered messages to realise this. It is evident that tech companies use “attention” as currency and in my opinion, and based on the wise words of my mother, this leads to the erosion of our happiness.
This could be waived off as being the way of the world. We do not pay for the apps so hence tech companies need to make money somehow. However Thomas Jefferson stated “Loyal Americans were of one mind to protect Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”. In this tech companies policies and business models are an attack on our ability to concentrate, focus and pay attention to the ones we love leaving a lot of us (and our children) in a purgatory of indecision and anxiety. Directly affecting our pursuit of happiness.
Leading back to the original question. Of course, it is better to evaluate appropriately and be mindful when making a decision to rush into a relationship. However, I believe it is better to make a rash decision than no decision at all. Adulthood is being accountable for your decisions and choices. When making a “bad” one it is the responsibility we take and how we clean up the mess. When endeavouring in a good one, it is how much dedication and attention we give it in our pursuit of happiness.
Our choices are the doors we walk through in this life. However, indirectly, our decision making skills are being bombarded and attacked by tech companies who deal in the currency that is our attention. It would be an amazing world if tech policies instead aided us in our decision making. Yet, this would mean their intentions were pure, and not that of hooking us up to their drip.
Instead, in a tech nominated world, many countries will likely face what Japan is naming and experiencing- “Celibacy Syndrome”. Where people have forgotten how to interact with the objects of their affection. So as to this, we need to pay attention to the abstract and go with our hearts more, never letting cynicism dominate our decisions, and never being afraid to love again.
